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50 April Fools’ Day ‘Alternative Headlines’

In preparation for today’s big April Fools’ article — Chick-fil-A isn’t closing, don’t worry — the Vision staff spent weeks pitching dozens of goofy ideas and sensational headlines.

Most of these, unfortunately, did not make the final cut. However, because we’re a fun group of people and because it’s been a long year, we’ve decided to compile the best of those ideas here and share them with all of you.

Without further delay, here is our list of “Alternative Headlines” for April Fools’ Day 2018. We hope you enjoy.

1. Bob Fisher offers convo series defining word “compact” 2. We Proudly Brew Starbucks to accept gift cards 3. Regal Cinemas permanently turns off neon lights, freshmen girls horrified 4. Belmont installs helicopter pad on top of Tall Hall 5. Bob Fisher spotted cutting across lawn 6.Belmont senior finally lands coveted Curb Cafe show 7. Introverted student happily spends the day in the Beaman 8. Student finds Inman on first day of class 9. Belmont men’s basketball to become the Belmont Bruinss, in hopes to make NCAA Tournament 10. Student arrives to class on time after taking JAAC elevator 11. Tour guide accidentally walks facing forward 12. Breaking: Bob Fisher allergic to bees 13. Philosophy majors question how tall ‘Tall Hall’ really is 14. School of Music adds commercial recorder major 15. Belmont senior still thinks Lower Broadway is “cool” 16. Honors student goes whole day without saying they’re in honors 17. Belmont reinstates mandatory chapel 18. ‘Tall Hall’ to be named after comedian Martin Short 19. Breaking: Antonio doesn’t say hi to student 20. Campus Security accidentally alerts students of incident 21. Lipscomb and Belmont to form joint football team 22. Belmont bans Christmas lights in dorms 23. Breaking: Bruiser found with Bongo’s missing Nun Bun 24. Senior guitar major still plays in gazebo 25. Dylan Windler to transfer to UMBC 26. Breaking: Practice rooms to become beekeeping rooms effective immediately 27. Ghost of Adelicia Acklen upset by lack of parking 28. Belmont student lands record deal after Curb Cafe performance 29. Bruiser physically eats O’More College of Design 30. Student buys flowers on 12 South, doesn’t post a photo 31. Belmont to ban dogs from campus 32. Prospective student excited to meet this Tommy Kessler guy everyone’s been talking about 33. Belmont’s Odyssey chapter wins Pulitzer Prize for ‘Ten totally funny Friends gifs that describe, like, college and stuff” 34. College Republicans launch ‘HisCampus’ 35. Towering Traditions to be replaced by annual “Hold hands around the Bell Tower and sing ‘Africa’ by Toto” event 36. Belmont bans ‘Africa’ by Toto 37. Prospective student excited about visitation hours 38. Belmont bans windows 39. ‘Eh, never mind’ says Belmont, bulldozing Tall Hall to the ground 40. International Market to serve as Trump 2020 campaign headquarters 41. Lipscomb to build ‘Taller Hall’ 42. Patti Myint purchases Belmont University 43. Student seen entering law building 44. Main lawn to be called ‘Mein Lawn’ starting Fall 2018 45. “This is fun,” shy freshman says at Fiesta Night 46. Belmont to host 2026 World Cup in Curb Event Center 47. Belmont acquires Circle K, gas prices expected to raise 14.9 percent annually

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