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New building to offer caf-only dating app

As part of the fabulous new dining hall’s efforts to attract more students and appeal to a completely different kind of taste, Sodexo is proud to announce a caf-only dating app.

The app, called Blender, will be like other dating apps, except with a radius measured in square feet as opposed to miles. Instead of having, let’s say, an entire Kroger at your disposal, Blender would provide you with the selection of normal food at a Trader Joe’s.

When students enter into the extraordinary new dining hall, they will swipe their IDs as always. But this time, there’s a catch. With the hopes they’ll find their catch, as soon as they swipe, they will automatically be logged into Blender’s database.

Now, anyone who is also in the stunning new dining hall at the time can find those students and either swipe right–called International Line on Nugget Day–or swipe left–Salad Bar–based on their preferences.

“I think this will revolutionize dining as humanity has so far known it,” said a particularly ambitious caf worker. “It will also redefine dating and the very concept of human bonding. The world will never be the same after Blender.”

Student reaction has been overwhelmingly ironic, but it’s probably mostly positive.

“I think this is, like, just so meh,” said a student who was busy picking the tomatoes out of his salsa.

After hiring a hipster interpreter, we realize the student actually meant the following:

“Blender is such a great idea. Last week, I saw this gorgeous girl in the entree line dumping some mystery meat on her plate, and if I had had Blender, we’d probably be married by now.”

Other students have gratefully said Blender will all but eliminate students’ weird tendencies to stare across the room at a potential study partner-turned-Bible study partner-turned-jam partner-turned nah, let’s not date after all.

When students log into the app, all they have to do is enter their BUID, their age, their gender, favorite Bible verse and agree to the surprisingly short terms & conditions–“Is your favorite artist John Mayer?”

Students will then have the option to choose “Interested in Men,” “Interested in Women,” or, for the music majors, “Interested in Someone to Please Play for My Seminar.”

The builder of the app said he knows it will be successful because, for all the food the dazzling new dining hall will offer, ultimately what most students will go for is the eye candy.

“Everyone knows the caf is just a culinary facade,” he said while watching an episode of Martha Stewart. “It’s actually a marketplace for lonely, single college students. Kind of like Comic Con.”

Sodexo attempted a soft opening last week to test the app. So far, there have already been three engagements.

“I met my fiancee because of this app,” said a teary-eyed religion and the arts major. “Whenever I saw him waiting in the International Line for their orange chicken, I thought to myself, ‘I also love their orange chicken.’ Two days later, and the rest is history.”

Despite its obvious student appeal, administration stands to gain a lot from the app, too. University President Bob Fisher thinks it will bring Belmont’s student-centeredness to a whole new level and help put the university on the cutting edge of school technology.

“It will really–ahem–spice up the phenomenal new dining hall,” he said with a grin.

Blender is set to launch the first day of school next year, and will only cost a 5 percent tuition increase.

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