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Facebook, Apple protect my heart

I’m not usually one to kiss and tell, but I recently became aware of my need for oversight in my romantic endeavors. There’s my cell phone, my Facebook, gchat, ichat, Facebook chat, all potential bombs to my relationships with boyfriends past, present and future. So I’m left rifling through my flirting options: Do I text, do I call, do I say nothing at all? Or maybe write a little something on his Facebook wall. I could always shoot him a message, but maybe that’s too forward. Amidst my distress, I know I can always be held accountable for my dating decisions by those with whom I spend most of my time–Facebook and Apple.

Throughout my attempts to dodge the communication land mines laid across my dating field, it has been these friends who have guided my moral compass. They’ve stood beside me during a late night text “Hey 😉 . . .” and steered me in a better direction on rose-colored evenings when past relationships seemed a bit more glamorous.

So to Facebook, I say “thank you” for helping me get over my ex. You’ll never know how safe I feel perusing your site with the constant assuredness that good ol’ Jordo won’t be staring back at me with his new girlfriend in tow. Really, Facebook, I couldn’t have done it without you.

Dearest Apple, my second best friend, I’m forever indebted to you for your new patent on anti-sexting software. My chastity isn’t exactly the stronghold of self-restraint that it once was and without your piety, my soul could be forever lost to the dominion of degradation.

I’m certain you have this generation’s best interest at heart. I think Ke$ha really captures the essence of so many lives with the line, “get my drunk text on, I’ll regret it in the mornin’.”

Thank you, Apple. Thank you, Facebook. You’ve heard our cries of oppression from underneath a technological tyrant, and you have finally released us from the restraints of debauchery, taking the reins of all personal judgment, absolving us from every electronic indiscretion.

Cassidy Hodges, Vision managing editor, is a senior journalism major.

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