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Hatching a plan: Campus chicken available Sundays

In what has been described by literally everyone as a stunning turn of events, the Chick-Fil-A on campus has decided to open on Sundays, according to a source close to the matter.

The restaurant– which roosts in the Curb Cafe– will molt the traditions of its brand and be open from 10 a.m. to 11 p.m. on Sundays starting April 5.

The decision comes after student outcry for more tasty chicken more days of the week.

“Sometimes you just get the craving and it doesn’t go away. And when I say sometimes, I mean on Sundays,” said one student who was seen walking dejectedly away from the locked doors of the Curb Cafe every Sunday between August and February.

Sales at the Chik are projected to rise 5,000 percent because of the choice to open, according to a report from Hungry Americans for Hungry America, which has been present throughout negotiations.

Off-campus visitors are predicted to be responsible for a significant portion of the sales.

“People will flock from miles around just to get their hands on one of those super spicy sandwiches– no pickles, of course– or a box of those truly iconic nuggets,” said a spokesperson for HAHA. “It may even become a minor pilgrimage site for the southern chicken-lover.”

A certain very high-up member of senior leadership agreed.

“This is a truly momentous occasion, and it will definitely put Belmont on the map for something other than that stupid music program,” he said between mouthfuls of crispy fried bird. “In the words of the illustrious Miss Taylor Swift, Chik Fil A will ‘never go out of style.’”

Student reactions to the announcement have varied; some have expressed excitement, while others immediately gathered on the lawn and began singing spirited chants.

“This is better than the best day of my life. This is better than the day I was born,” said one of the rallying students, an almost unidentifiable figure obscured by a cloud of chicken feathers and the cover of darkness.

Vegetarians on campus are just as excited as their “barbaric, carnivorous counterparts,” setting a small grease fire in the Curb parking garage to celebrate weekend access to waffle fries and lemonade, one student said.

“I used to go to a dealer. We would meet at the mail center after it closed on Saturday and he would hook me up with six or seven cartons of fries to get me through,” said a high-profile vegetarian on campus. “Now that I can just buy them straight from the source, life is going to be so much easier.”

Meanwhile, Nashville Mayor Karl Dean made a statement Thursday about the decision, saying it would greatly impact the economic health of the city, drawing tourists from around the world.

“Snow, sleet, rain or hail, I want Nashville to show support for this new era in fast food, this new era in our lives. We have entered into the golden age! Go, my people! Spread your wings and waddle forth to victory,” Dean shouted to the audience gathered. “You get some nuggets, and you get some nuggets, and you get some nuggets. Everybody gets nuggets!”

Those seeking more information can knock three times on the door of the Curb Cafe after 11:39 p.m. any night between Tuesday and Friday, whisper their questions and await a response to their student emails within 45 work days.

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